101 Light Bulb Jokes	Version: 98.1 - Matthew Smith - asleep@terminal.cz
How many Accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?	What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?	Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.
How many Aides did it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?	None. They liked to keep him in the dark.
How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	All of them.
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
How many Beverly Hills Residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They have a service come in and do that.
How many Bikers does it take to change a light bulb?	Two. One to change the bulb and the other to kick the switch.
How many Blind people does it take to change a light bulb?	It depends whether the switch is on or off.
How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
How many Board Meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?	This topic was resumed from last week's discussion but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They provide their own illumination.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?	Billions and billions.
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
How many CD Player Users does it take to change a light bulb?	One, but the old bulb keeps gettingstustustustustustustustustustuck
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Three, but they're really one.
How many City Planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Six. Four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.
How many Civil Servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?	Four. One to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.
How many Consultants does it take to change a light bulb?	I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. It turned itself in.
How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Three. One to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say “Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along”.
How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Five. One to do it and four to sing about how much they're going to miss the old one.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many Disgruntled Former Postal Workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hide under a desk with the new bulb.
How many Drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but he has to do it three times.
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?	The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many Dysfunctional Family Members does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Light bulb? What light bulb?
How many Dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?	Eno.
How many Efficiency Experts does it take to change a light bulb?	None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?	If the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?	Seven. One to change the light bulb,  three to protest the offence committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
How many Figure Skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to do it and one to knock the ladder out from under her.
How many Fire-fighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Three. One to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
How many Fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?	Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been “this” big.
How many Folk Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Forty. One to do it and thirty nine to complain that it's electric.
How many Folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?	Ten. One to do it and nine to document it.
How many Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
How many Hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here?
How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Ten. One to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant and sing.
How many IBM PC Owners does it take to change a light bulb?	Only one, but they'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adapter card first, which is extra.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?	21. One to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.
How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call Daddy.
How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?	None, I'll just sit here in the dark...
How many Jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Five. One to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how it's so much more gratifying than a man.
How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?	One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...getting stuck...
How many Lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but he uses a chainsaw.
How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard.
How many Magicians does it take to change a light bulb?	Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two, but they have to be pretty small
How many Microsoft Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None, they just redefine “darkness” as the industry standard.
How many Microsoft Technical Support Staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?	It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
How many Missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, and thirty natives to see the light.
How many Modern Artists does it take to change a light bulb?	Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Six. One to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
How many Mystery Writers does it take to change a light bulb?	Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many NASA Technicians does it take to change a light bulb?	Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
How many Nuclear Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?	Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many Operating Systems are required to screw in a light bulb?	Just one. Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many Orgy attendees does it take to change a light bulb?	As many as possible and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.
How many Paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?	WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
How many Pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	It doesn't matter, they think that all the available bulbs won't light up.
How many Phone Perverts does it take to change a light bulb?	GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
How many Poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many Pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They use fluorescent tubes instead.
How many Priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. Priests can't screw.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?	Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.
How many Psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?	How long have you been having this fantasy?
How many Psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?	How many do *you* think it takes?
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?	None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
How many Quantum Mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?	They can't. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?	None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They always have enough Real Men around to change it for them.
How many Recovering Addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One. But it takes twelve steps.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. They only screw the poor.
How many Satanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Light bulb? They prefer black candles.
How many Schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?	Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him.
How many Social Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They do not change light bulbs. They search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many Software Designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. That's a hardware problem.
How many Sound Crew Members does it take to screw in a light bulb?	ONE CHECK ONE TWO TWO CHECK.
How many Square Dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Four and you have to walk them through it a few times.
How many Suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?	Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured fish.
How many Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?	Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
How many Teenage Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?	One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
How many Ukranians does it take to screw in a light bulb?	None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?	Three. Why? IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!!
How many Yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the drinks.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?	A tree in a golden forest.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?	You can unscrew a light bulb.